Forgiveness

Forgiveness.

Oh that’s a word that really packs a punch and one that I thought I would never be able to embrace or say out loud when speaking of my ex. You can read about our tumultuous divorce here: https://thedayourworldstopped.blogspot.com   

This, of course, was back when everything has just happened and I kept an online blog/diary of every detail that I went through. Eventually, I had to move on and start healing myself so I let that be that. Now forward a couple of years, and here we are. I’m back in school, have met what I am certain is the love of my life, and really am living my best life. Things since the video have calmed down and Emma is doing really well. It has taken me a really long time to get here, I mean a really long time, and now I am ready to forgive.

Coming from a family that was a bit chaotic, I had a tumultuous childhood, to say the least, throughout all the popularity that the video got, I have found out that I am not a minority. In fact, we all had a little chaos in our childhoods, LOL. I guess that was a lot of pressure that I put on my husband then not to hurt me, hurt my children or destroy my family then wasn’t it? The answer is NO.

No the eff it wasn’t too much pressure to put on him. I am sorry that he was unable to bring himself around to sticking in when the going got tough, and as I have talked about on my social media, and will continue to talk about, it really sucks that he chose the route he did, and continues to act the way he does. It really does. I had a husband before and the one thing that he always hated was how my ex continued to treat my son. If I heard it once, I heard it a million times that he was going to “whoop his ass” on my son’s 18th birthday, so my mind can not comprehend how in the world he became the one to make my ex look like the pope.

As the children and I have progressed through counseling, at first we were told he may be bipolar. I really leaned on that when everything first happened, but now we have all been through almost 3 years of counseling, and the common disorder that keeps being repeated to us is Narcissistic Personality Disorder. We will save that discussion for another time, but what I know and have been knowing is that I needed to forgive him. It doesn’t mean that things won’t make me angry, or that I will not keep talking about the things that blow my mind, it simply means that I don’t want to walk around with hurt or anger in my heart.

In January, his mother told my daughter that I was abusive, and his wife repeated it. I was so upset and I lashed out at his mother through texts. That evening my children went to dinner with their grandmother where they talked about what I said, talked about blocking me, and then they had Emma so upset by the end of dinner that I had to leave and go get her. It was also the weekend that his wife told my children that she had been in an abusive relationship for 12 years. Emotionally, physically, etc but she had never seen anyone as abusive as their mother.

STOP. If abuse is classified as me popping off in a text message and saying how your son is my biggest mistake, then yes I am abusive. If it’s taking up for myself when I am being attacked from every angle, then yes I am abusive. I have never now, nor in my past, nor in my future will I decide to sit back and take whatever everyone has to throw at me.

That is when I figured out that the only way to move forward was to forgive them. I figured out the only person I was hurting was my children, just for trying to defend myself, and I decided that I had to forgive. It was a process, and still is on a daily basis. I started praying and meditating on forgiveness, and by my birthday I had met yet another goal and had forgiven them. When I say forgive them, I mean all of them, but really I had to start by forgiving him. He is the one who had concocted the stories and told the lies to make himself look like the victim.

Forgiveness doesn’t excuse their behavior, Forgiveness prevents their behavior from destroying your heart.

Forgiveness was the hardest thing I had ever had to do, but I knew I was there yesterday when I had to send an email about medical costs, and two weeks ago when he brought Emma back to my home unexpectedly and I called him and he began yelling into the phone. He isn’t there yet, but I am.

I am at peace, I am happy, I have forgiven.

K